There’s this feeling that I am having at the bottom of my chest, and its a heavy feeling. It’s something that just started this week when I first spoke with my friends well missionaries who are basically my only “friends”. Its just I feel lost I don’t know where i stand in the world again. I seem to get lost every once in awhile when I am missing something in my life but I always seem to find it. But I mean I have a job, a year of school under my belt and my mission call what could I possibly need? So all of sudden on my Ipod this song comes on. Its called “Budding tree” and I had totally forgot about this song and everything came back. I miss my best friend. We don’t really speak and I am leaving for two years soon and doubt we will ever speak again and I ignorant to what will happen. But this stupid song omygosh it’s just insane. How all of the amazing moments play in my head like videos. And how i think right now i am just going through the epiphany of transitioning this little kid/teenager to and adult. To doing everything that I had thought and dreamed about and now are occurring. And as usual I am scared. I look back at my life and kind of how everything has been a series of crazy decisions that have led me to so many highs and lows that at this point i shouldn’t be scared of anything. But at the end of the day this is just me rambling about my feelings of nostalgia, fear, sadness but at the same time with optimism and anxiousness. Uhgg just 70 days to go..
It’s so crazy how the power of prayer works. After my life experiences and moments of need I have most definitely have developed a huge testimony in prayer. It’s one of the most simplest things a person could do and yet be one of the most powerful. My prayers have been answered time and time again and every time I feel so much more blessed. I know that my heavenly father hears me and knows my heart. I know that , that’s how he is able to answer and give me exactly what I need. The rough patches in life that I have hit are always some how resolved even the little patches. One of my book of mormon teachers once asked me “Brother, did you remember to pray this morning? Does our Heavenly Father know how to help you along today? On what you will be doing on what you need? He already knows but he wants to hear it from you.” This to me spoke out because it is true. Some of us just think because our Heavenly father knows all we don’t have a need to constantly tell him everything in our prayers. When we should the most specific when asking for something giving thanks for something that is our way of actually taking in an account of our blessings and needs. In the past couple of days, with my daily prayers I have had at least 3 new blessings answering what I needed and I couldn’t be any more thankful. Just 3 things more to thank God for.
The actual concept of time is probably one of the most difficult things to try and understand. At the time of me looking for a job and trying to get my mission papers done I felt time just flying by and felt like I had no time. Now that I have my mission call and am employed its as if time has stopped and someone pressed the slow motion button on the remote. My friends just seem to be leaving one by one on their missions and it seems one leave every 2 weeks so it just creates a bigger anxiety for me. My job then only gives me a psychological and physical frustration. For what I am being also is not worth the amount of stress I am receiving. I have come to the conclusion that for my well being and actual enjoyment of my last few months before my mission. But this has definitely helped exercise my patience and testimony in prayer. I am extremely grateful for the blessing and opportunities that god has given me especially when i am need. Literally just as I started to feel all hope of lost of quitting this job and not finding a new one a new opportunity had presented itself that gave me hope to just start re applying to new jobs. This has now just given the motivation of keeping my Job until the end of the month of June so I can some money still coming in but searching for new employment to leave this job for. I really am praying for this new job I just applied does get back to me so i can leave by the end of the month. But time can only tell but I am feeling very optimistic. I just cant continue to be disrespected and talked down town and talked to as if i am not even a really person and getting paid my minimum wage and working the worst hours, no it is not worth it.
Honestly I think it’s the most interesting thing to hear what people thing of me when they are first getting to know me. So far three consecutive people have all told me the same thing. “You seem very shy but once people start talking to you, you open up. You are different then other people though.” The questions then follow. “Where are you from? Where were you born? What do you study? Where do you go to school? Isn’t that a Mormon school? Why would you go there?” Because I AM A MORMON. “That’s what it is”! For some reason the questions every single time flow the same way and lead to the same thing. It actually just makes my day. It makes me happy that I am able to have a light inside of me because of how I present myself. I am filled with joy that I am being a righteous representative of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The same comments of how I am different to the other kids my age and how I present my self and speak. Its funny to see people try and find that ambiguous attribute in me that differentiates me. It is just one of those happy thoughts and things that make my day. It is also nice to brighten their day to show them that there are different people in this society. All my life I had just wandered around thinking I was weird and abnormal because everyone kind of made it seem that way because i didn’t go with the flow like everyone else. But now finally after 18 years i finally feel comfortable in my own skin and to know that I am not weird for trying to be a good representative of the church. Thats who I was all along. It is nice to see now that I am older how my personality is having people around me notice me.