“Life in Color”

I think everyone in the world deserves the joy’s and distractions of the world. The little things in life that make them feel endless. That state of happiness where you forget what day it is, what time it is, what you have to do that day your worries. You leave the worry lust behind and just let your heart beat and live until you die. That moment where when you look back you can say you lived. I haven’t had a day like that in so long since I have been home basically but I recently did and it felt great.

color

 

The sensation of everyones energy around you. When you laugh the hardest and smile the biggest. When in that moment you feel that you are the only one in the world and are living care free. Its the exhilaration in your skin and how your heart beats to the beat of the world. Where you listen to a song and becomes the song of that moment. My countdowns are all slowly coming to a close and the most important is only a month a way now. And soon these fillers will just become more stories and I hope I’ll have more stories to tell.

Do you ever feel like your life is just inadequate? Because I still do sometimes. Sometimes I think that this is the part where I break free of all my past thoughts that I’m stronger then I’ve been before. But how wrong I am.. I hate that I am still not everything that I am expected to be. All my life I lived in this illusion that if I was perfect and did exactly everything right my parents would love me more. Being raised in fear rather than respect, that if i stepped one foot out of line I would be “disciplined” but if everything went perfect there would be a reward. Instead I’ve gown angry and confused and mentally unstable. Lashing out at the people I care about the most, alienating people around because its easier that way instead of disappointing them. I don’t know how to handle my imperfections all the time, they just make me angry. Angry that I cant just be in a state of carpe diem all the time. That the slightest things set me on edge and my OCD kicks in and makes things worse. I just want to change or have better control of my nasty repulsive attitude. Be thin and not so thick. To be more athletic and not such a freaking nerd and perfectionist. These little details about me that make me less desirable to my parents, to people, to me. I thought that I finally had changed that I was on my way towards fixing my self… obviously not, especially not after yesterday and how I get. I think my social anxiety and mouth need to take break from people again. Because I cant stand this I don’t want it. I don’t want people to look at me and say “what a great kid, he seems like he has his whole life in order” and then the slightest flaw they can find, its exploited. I am tired of faking it because I cant anymore.

Getting ready for the Temple!!!

Well as before, I realized my life was pretty much nothing but a count down at the moment. To put into a better analogy I was talking with one of my cousins this past 4th of July weekend up-state New York in a camp site. I told her “You know those episodes in Naruto where nothing is really going on but they have to do something what are they called?… FILLERS!! Filler episodes, I feel that if my life was a series right now this patch of time are just filler episodes.” As crazy as it may seem thats what I feel like. All this is just episodes that are leading to the big climactic season finale which starts the whole new season. But despite that a very important filler episode is up tomorrow and then end of one count down. Tomorrow Saturday July 12th, 2014 I will be going through the Temple and I couldn’t be anymore anxious, happy, exhilarated. This is just one step closer to being even more prepared for leaving on my mission. And the beauty of it all I get to have it on my birthday weekend so my parents allowed me to be a brat and choose the temple, and I obviously choose the Washington D.C temple. In my opinion the most gorgeous temple we have here on the East Coast.
But obviously the struggle that it has been to get to this point.

57 days until I report to the Argentina MTC

10 days until I go through the temple

12 days until my 19th birthday 

29 days until I regain control of my summer

57 Days to go….

Well I’m only 57 days away from entering the Argentina MTC. The anxiety is actually killing me. But strangely enough its been really fun seeing the countdown go from 112 to 57. But things just seem to get really hard and stressful all the time. Little things have been able to keep me sane and going. Like my friend Josh from school coming to see me. Honestly it was one of the best weekends to date. He was just that light that I needed at the time and he strangely enough has the best timing. Even how we even became friends. But now I am just back to counting down days. My best friend wont talk to me anymore, my parents are on the verge of splitting and I am just now getting ready to head out on a mission. I thought things were supposed be looking up. Instead I have job that truly has me over worked under paid but i have a job so I am thankful. Then my best friend Cody wont even return a simple text let alone a phone call or snap chat. Then I dont think I will ever shake off the guilty feeling that its my fault my parents are on the verge of a divorce, and i feel at the bottom of heart that it actually is my fault.