Do you ever feel like your life is just inadequate? Because I still do sometimes. Sometimes I think that this is the part where I break free of all my past thoughts that I’m stronger then I’ve been before. But how wrong I am.. I hate that I am still not everything that I am expected to be. All my life I lived in this illusion that if I was perfect and did exactly everything right my parents would love me more. Being raised in fear rather than respect, that if i stepped one foot out of line I would be “disciplined” but if everything went perfect there would be a reward. Instead I’ve gown angry and confused and mentally unstable. Lashing out at the people I care about the most, alienating people around because its easier that way instead of disappointing them. I don’t know how to handle my imperfections all the time, they just make me angry. Angry that I cant just be in a state of carpe diem all the time. That the slightest things set me on edge and my OCD kicks in and makes things worse. I just want to change or have better control of my nasty repulsive attitude. Be thin and not so thick. To be more athletic and not such a freaking nerd and perfectionist. These little details about me that make me less desirable to my parents, to people, to me. I thought that I finally had changed that I was on my way towards fixing my self… obviously not, especially not after yesterday and how I get. I think my social anxiety and mouth need to take break from people again. Because I cant stand this I don’t want it. I don’t want people to look at me and say “what a great kid, he seems like he has his whole life in order” and then the slightest flaw they can find, its exploited. I am tired of faking it because I cant anymore.

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