You should always fall forward

Failure, it’s something that everyone has to go through in their lives. Failure is also something most people fear of going through in their lives. But the plain truth is that “You will lose, You will embarrass yourself, You will suck at something.” This is an ideal that I had to face. I recently got rejected from the Advertising program here at Brigham Young University and for a moment I really thought it was the end of the world. I believed that I had failed and was just done with everything. Then I looked back for a moment of what my life has been. And it has been nothing but a compilation of failures. But these failures have not kept me down but pushed me forward and have given me my persevering personality. When I first started driving it every time I tried to parallel park I would hit the car in front of me. I auditioned for 4 performing arts high schools and was rejected by 3. I auditioned for the musical theater program at my high school every year and only got in my senior year. I failed all 3 attempts of trying to get into the chamber singers in the vocal department. I bombed the SAT and ACT which I took 3 times each and ended up applying to universities with  1500 SAT score which is a pretty average below average score. I was rejected by BYU the first time. I wasted 9 months of my mission trying to become something that had little to no relevance to the big picture of my growth. But I didn’t quit on any of these things, on the contrary, every time I fell, I fell forward. I now have the drivers license and can get places and park without killing myself. The one performing art high school that accepted was on of the best ones in the state and country. The one year I was in the musical theater it was a production I actually enjoyed. I might not have gotten into the chamber singers but I was able to work on my vocal technique and helped my voice and repertoire grow twice as much. I now attend Brigham Young University being accepted the 2nd time. Accepted with the SAT score I had and attending with a full ride scholarship thanks to the community service hours and performance resume my high school offered me. I am an honorably returned missionary who served 2 years and loved every moment of it. Life is not just about the success you have but the failures as well. When you fall, fall forward because that’s what success really is.  So AdLab I will be applying again and I will be falling right into your program.

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Life After

It has been about seven months now, of me being home from my mission. Crazy how fast the time flies being home. Things have been very different being home. Especially different then what I had imagined in my head. Before I came home I knew there were going to be a few differences and one of the main ones being that my parents had split up and that my father had been excommunicated. Not knowing what to expect I pretty much put it in the back of my head and tried to forget that it was something real. Obviously, that wasn’t something I could just wish away. When I got home I could feel the difference in my home, it didn’t feel like my home it felt so much colder so much more defiled. I was only home for five days before I had to go across the country from New York City to Utah so I could start school. Before I left I was informed about what had actually happened in my home while I was gone, what was it that happened. My dad lied to my mom for 4 years, he had a child with our neighbor someone my mom was friends with once, someone she helped with work who she shared the gospel with. It crushed me on the inside, it left me feeling so abandoned and alone. Again I folded my clothes, got my room ready, spread the sheets and my mother could see a tear down my cheeks even though I tried to smile and be strong. I told my mom not to worry, that I was fine and that I was strong. Seeing my mother’s face the face on my 9-year-old brother’s face I could see how broken they were, I couldn’t be broken too.

I went to school and I started my first semester at BYU. I immediately pretended like nothing was wrong. I smiled and laughed and tried to socialize with all the other newly accepted students. What more could I want right? I was a return missionary attending Brigham Young University on a full ride scholarship all expenses paid for. I failed almost every exam I took, I struggled with my classes and paying attention and even learning what was going on. I never cried in front of anyone, I maintained my back straightened and tried to put on a facade. Gave my mother advice over the phone, gave her support and told her everything was fine on my end. I told her that I finally had found what I wanted to study, Advertising. I was going to apply for the program at the end of the semester. She was so excited and happy for me. The semester came to an end, and I was going back home for the Christmas break.

Going back home I saw once again the nightmare my mother was living. She was living in a home that meant nothing anymore. She lived in front of the women that had stepped into her life and took everything from her. A woman living with her husband’s child, right across the street. I told my mom its time for us to leave because this is no longer our home. So we made a plan to leave and move out to Utah. I took advantage of the Christmas break so I could get ready for my advertising application. I started my portfolio and studying for the entrance exam. An exam I obviously had to study extra hard for because of the fact that I had learned that test taking was not my forte. Plans were then expedited on New Years Day when a drunk man and women approached us. It was them, the neighbors that had ruined my family. The man began to grab my mother asking her to speak so she could tell my father to stop going after his wife, as his wife just stood there and laughed. I calmly asked the man to let go of my mother and to walk home and leave us alone. He couldn’t even recognize me of how drunk he was. Once he realized who I was he yelled hey look its little Hector he is back from his thing. He yelled towards his wife “LOOK LOOK he’s back the kid that caused your man to leave you!” I grabbed him and walked him home and said: “please go inside leave us alone I have nothing to say to you awful people.” I could see across the street my mother and father yelling at each other in a heated argument as I dealt with these drunk people. Next thing I knew they were following me across the street again which then hit my last fuse so I yelled and said please take you and your drunk dog home I am done here. Next thing I knew that woman was  smacking me across the face and what happened next I guess is self-explanatory. My mother jumped to my defense and then her husband then me. Next thing I knew there was a fight on new years day and we were those people. My dad then chooses to defend the other woman and not me or my mother. He said we were done with him and if we were going to keep making him feel like shit to just leave.

How much I wish that was the end of that. That woman called the cops and accused me of jumping her then next thing I knew there were cops at my door yelling at me saying I was going to be arrested. By the pure grace of my Heavenly Father, a neighbor who saw the whole thing testified on my behalf and all charges were dropped. But after this it was very evident it was time for us to leave this place because we were only living a nightmare. In 2 days we packed everything we could arrange a place to live in Utah and left the home that my family worked so hard to achieve, a house my little brother was born in and I had known since I was 10. We made it to Utah and the winter semester started in 2 days. I had not studied for my exam but I was a little more pre-occupied with my mother. Thankfully blessings did come, the family my mother is staying with is very loving, charitable and amazing. They helped my brother get into a charter school where his education would not be hindered, my mother found a Job in the second week and things were really looking up. I was very happy for them.

I bombed my entrance exam…. 77. I tried to have hope that my portfolio and video would be enough and applied anyway after speaking with the professor. I went on with the semester, exams were still hard for me to pass. Classes were still hard to focus on with everything going on in my head from what my life had become. I strayed away from God a little because I didn’t even know what was going on with my life. I realized that that wasn’t the answer. My dad had cut me off completely with any help and I knew that the only dad I could really count on was my Heavenly one. The time came for the decision letter to come in and I was informed that I was not accepted into the Advertising program. And now we are here two days after that letter.

I write this not to receive pity. I write this not to feel entitled to anything. I write this because I am tired of keeping inside and to myself. This is me letting go of all this. It happened and there is nothing that I can do to change it. I believe God does love me and that he does bless. Despite my inner man feelings I know he still has a plan for me. My mother and brother are so close to me now and are in a better situation. My mom is working, my family and I are healthy. I know this and I know God still has a plan I just have to be patient.